I want to write a book called "Finding Peace in the Midst of the Storm." There are so many issues that we are faced with on a daily basis and sometimes we just want to check out of life. Not commit suicide or anything like that, but just walk away from it all. There have been so many different situations in my life as I look back over my 46 years that I wonder how I made it through. I know it was the grace of God that kept me.

I have lost many people in my life that left questions unanswered? I am sure those aunanswered questions have had an impact on the way I interact with others, and also the types of relationships I have been in. Well I don’t know how to get answers from people that have passed on, so I have decided to write the letters answering the questions I have been left with.

Maybe there are questions you need answered in order to help you heal and move on with your life? The person(s) could be alive or deceased, but think about it and then write the letter with the answers that you need. It will help set you free.

Here is my first letter to myself, although the events may not have happened exactly as stated, this is how I remember them. My perception is my reality.......

I look forward to hearing from the rest of you.

Dear Aunt Maria,

I can’t tell you why I got involved with the people that I did while I was young. I guess after my mother and father divorced I felt lost. My mother left me and my sisters in Philadelphia and moved back to Colorado to be with you and the rest of the family. I still had my dad, but he had his own drug addiction issues to deal with. Yes my grandmother and aunties were there but I still felt so empty without my mother. The streets of Philadelphia were cruel and I hung out with friends that led me down the wrong path. I made some bad decisions and landed in prison for many years. There I began to grow in to a man, as you saw from pictures of me I began body building and was actually becoming healthy, at least in a physical sense. Being locked behind bars and being told when I could eat, sleep, shower, etc. didn’t make me feel like a man. I couldn’t wait for the day I was being released from prison. Yes I told my family it was one date, when actually I got out a few days earlier. I just wanted to get a hotel room and spend some quality time with myself. I craved the drugs that once tasted so good to me, and that is how I overdosed. I lay in the hotel room feeling so high on one hand, but then panicking because I knew something was fatally wrong. I never meant to overdose, but it happened and I am sorry. I am sorry to my nieces that were anxiously waiting for me to come home, I am sorry to my sisters who never gave up on me. I am sorry to my grandmother who stepped in as my mother when my mother moved away. I am sorry to all of my family that I left prematurely, I am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry…….

Although, I hadn’t seen you for many years, I recognized you at my funeral. Yes, it was me that kissed you on the cheek as you sat in a chair sleeping at my grandmother’s house. You heard me say “Maria right?” You woke startled because you weren’t sure if you had been dreaming or if everyone had heard me. No, you weren’t dreaming, and no, no one else heard me because I only whispered it to you. It was me, your nephew, little Ray. Although you were older you still looked the same. I also recognized my other auntie, Addie. Where did the years go? I remember when we were all younger and we used to spend the summers together in Colorado. After grandma and grandpa died the family connection just seemed to fade.

Well I have to go now; I love and miss you all. But most importantly, know that now I have true peace.

Your nephew,

Raymond